6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
