I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
smell my finger.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
