Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
