I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
