Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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