two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Boobs are out for the taking
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
