My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
