Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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