Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
