I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize