I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
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