we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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