Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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