Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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