Just fell off a train. Bad.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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