Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
