There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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