Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
