i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
