You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Randomize
