she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
