If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
