You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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