Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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