I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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