my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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