she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
