It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
