The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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