You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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