doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
