just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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