1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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