Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
