i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
