margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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