i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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