You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
