dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Randomize
