my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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