Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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