I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
