my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
