Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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