So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
We have started to decorate penises.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
