Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Holy sore nipples Batman
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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