i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
