I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
