i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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