FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
