Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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