two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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