Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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