i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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