I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
