I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
