Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
