On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize
