I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
