I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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