I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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