I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I looked at my own cervix.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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