We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
