Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
